PHUKET, THAILAND – MARCH 9TH

We’ll have fun, fun, fun, till your Daddy takes the T-Bird away…….  (For you young’uns, that’s from an old Beach Boys tune.) 

Fuhgeddaboudit the T-Bird.  Substitute the word “elephant” and that’s what I think when I think about Phuket. 

I’m writing this on March 20^th and can’t believe that it’s been almost two weeks since our visit to Phuket.  We have hit the half way mark on our cruise heading to Madagascar and the time is just flying by. 

There were many excursions available but we signed up for the Island Safari and Elephant Ride way back when the excursions were posted last year.  We didn’t want to miss out on this unique experience. 

Phuket was settled by Indian colonists in 100 B.C.  The city rests near the Bay of Phuket and the island is in the Andaman Sea.  Its population is 75,573 and its currency is the Thai Baht (THB) which is worth about 3 or 4 cents.  Phuket is both an island and a province, the largest in Thailand and the size of Singapore.  The main town is Phuket City but everyone calls it Phuket Town.  The official language is standard Thai, but a local south Thai dialect is widely spoken and the large indigenous Chinese minority still makes limited use of Hokien and other Chinese dialects.  Seventy-five percent of the islanders are Buddhist but Thailand accepts all religions and celebrates Christmas, Chinese New Year, etc. 

We boarded our bus in the morning and met our guide, Noraapat.  He gave us lots of information about Phuket where he’s lived for 30 years, having been originally from Bangkok. 

He was probably the most (refreshingly) politically incorrect guide we’ve ever had the pleasure to meet.  First of all, the length of your last name determines how “rich” you are.  The longer the name, the richer you are.  He relayed to us an example of this:

Air hostess:        May I see your ticket?

Passenger:          Yes.  Here it is.

Air hostess (seeing a very short name):  You sit back there (pointing to behind her).

Next passenger arrives.

Air hostess:        May I see your ticket?

Passenger:          Yes.  Here it is.

Air hostess (seeing a very long name):  Oh, welcome aboard.  You sit right here (in front of her); may I get you a drink? 

It was interesting to note that in this politically correct world, our guide explained the cultural benefits of being light-skinned vs. being dark-skinned in Asia. The guide was not being disrespectful, he was stating reality. 

Someone may not like it, but it is what it is.   

The Thai people consider Bangkok a very important city.  Here’s the Thai name: “Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.”

Now, that’s an important city! 

Phuket Island has a beautiful coral reef with no shark or jellyfish.  In 2018, they hosted 41 million tourists.  November, December and January are the best months to visit; summer is February, March and April and the #1 tourists in the months of May through October are Australians.  Laborers come from Laos, Cambodia and Myanmar.  They stay and work for about 3-5 years and then go home, earning about 500-600 THB a day. 

If you live in Thailand, you are Thai.  You are not Muslim, you are not Catholic, you are Thai.  Medical insurance from the UK, Australia and the United States can be used in Phuket and possibly all of Thailand, I’m not sure about that.                 

Things are very cheap in Thailand.  A $3.00 hamburger at McDonald’s costs about 90 THB;  rice and curry about 50 THB. A kilo of jasmine rice costs 20 THB.  A hotel room about 300 THB a day or 9,000 THB per month.  A family of 4 can eat all day for about 150 TBD.

In four years, they’re expecting a high-speed train from China all the way to Singapore.  One day tours are expected to Cambodia or Myanmar from Thailand. 

We arrived at our destination – Island Safari – for our elephant experience!  Upon our return, we learned from many of the crew that there are several elephant trekking sites that provide feeding, picture taking and riding elephants.  It’s a major draw in this part of the world. 

There were several groups visiting this site that day and we were directed to the “elephant show” first.  We sat on stone benches under (fortunately) a covered area (the sun was pretty hot that day and humidity was sky high).  There were probably four elephants in the corral playing basketball, kicking a soccer ball, throwing darts at balloons, sitting on the ground and standing on their front legs. Then for the highlight of the day for me!  We had heard about the “elephant massage” early on our trek but I honestly thought we got to massage the elephant’s side or trunk or leg or something.  People from the audience were invited to come into the ring for the “elephant massage” and it was then that I realized that it was the spectators who would be massaged.  I watched one or two people lay down on a plastic mat, covered with a blanket, and be massaged by one of the elephants which consisted of the elephant tapping the person’s back and bum with its foot and then using its trunk for a head massage.  I just had to do it!  I hurriedly handed Michael my purse, ran into the ring, with Michael’s mouth probably hanging open, waited my turn, laid down on the mat, waited to be covered with the blanket and laughed most of time the elephant was tapping my back and butt; believe me, the elephant was gentler than Agnes, our masseuse on the ship!  I laughed and grabbed at the elephant’s trunk as it swayed through my hair.  Within 20-30 seconds, I was up and heading back to my seat.  Michael’s camera was set on “rapid shutter” so every time he pressed the shutter, it took five pictures.  He ended up with 80 shots which he made into what I call a little stop action motion picture.  I have no idea how he does these things, but I’m happy he does and I’m going to try and post that in this blog.  (I told him he was channeling his stop-action hero, Ray Harryhausen.)   It brings a huge smile to my face every time I watch it.  

The volunteer after me (in the Adidas shorts) had the unique experience of having a banana placed by the trainer inserted in each of the legs of his shorts.  Of course, you know where this is going.  The elephant moved forward and, not surprisingly, started searching up the man’s pantlegs for the bananas.  I don’t need to say more other than I hope the guy found it as amusing as the audience did.

Next up – feeding the elephants.  I bought a bag of bananas for $4.00 and approached the railing to feed one of them.  Michael, again, was snapping away with his camera and he was able to create another stop action film of me putting whole bananas, one right after the other, into the elephant’s mouth.  It didn’t seem as if the elephant ever swallowed but I have to assume that it did.  Their tongues are absolutely huge and mine seemed to have a huge smile on its face while being fed.  Although huge animals, “adorable” comes to mind which is usually reserved for much smaller members of the animal world.  

For our penultimate activity, we were moved along the park to another huge gazebo-like structure where we waited for our individual elephant ride.  The seating was big enough for two people and we were locked in like we would be on a roller coaster.  Our elephant’s name was “Jelly” and our driver was “Pipo” who sat pretty much on top of Jelly’s head, knees up and feet behind each of Jelly’s ear (smaller ears because these are Indian rather than African elephants) and I watched how Pipo moved his feet in order to direct Jelly around the park.  I asked Pipo if there were any baby elephants in the park and he informed us that there were no babies, that all the elephants were ladies with only one male who isn’t quite old enough to mate.  We weren’t allowed to take photos while on top of Jelly but our photos were taken by the professional photographer which we immediately bought for 800 THB; I was surprised to see the lovely 2-picture frame the photos came in.  

While waiting for everyone to complete their elephant ride, Michael went to the restroom.  To say I was very happy not to have to use the restroom (in whatever condition it was for the ladies), it would be an understatement.  As you can see from the photo he took, there were two buckets of water available to ladle out water after the toilet was used.  No plumbing obviously.  I would say that, compared to this toilet, our state and national park restrooms are luxurious.  

Our final activity at the Island Safari was to watch two lovely ladies make papaya salad.  I first asked Noraapat about the “stripes” on the ladies faces and he explained that they were wearing sunblock that came from crushed leaves of a local plant.  We all chose whether we wanted the salad with or without spice and we told that the spice would only be one star although Thai food is extremely hot and spicy and most Thai people get used to five stars.  The ladies used a mortar and pestle to grind up peanuts, spices and papaya and added bamboo shoots to the mixture.  The little bowls were served to us with two forks and, apparently, each bowl was to be shared by two people which we didn’t know.  We thanked the ladies and made our way back to the bus by foot although some of our fellow passengers opted to use the two oxen-driven carts.  

We expected to be taken to a place for souvenir shopping but cross communication can often occur.  What we might think of souvenirs is not what others might think they are.  We were taken to what I would call a very modern office building that housed a well-lit, high-end jewelry store which we hurriedly passed through in order to get to the souvenirs.  On the way through, however, were leather goods which included stingray wallets which interested me.  I stopped to inspect some of the wallets and found one that was the same design as I use and asked Michael to take a look at it.  He didn’t like the quality or stitching and for $110, would’ve expected something much better.  I passed on it.  The souvenir area wasn’t much to talk about and it, too, was well-lit and designed more like a smaller Rite-Aid with short rows of items on shelves that weren’t of any interest to me either.  Before we left, though, I used the very upscale type Western toilet only to find that the doors of the stalls wouldn’t open all the way because a trash can stood in each stall for disposal of used bathroom tissue.  So, here you have beautifully dressed women in high heels, suits, make-up, beautifully coifed hairstyles working in this very fancy shmancy modern building and they still can’t flush their toilet paper.  Only when you travel outside the United States do you encounter these types of conditions. 

Back on the bus, I relaxed in the air-conditioned space thinking about our adventure at the Island Safari.  Upon exiting the bus, we stopped and thanked Noraapat with a tip for the wonderful tour and day we had and, in return, he gave us a map of Thailand and a plastic strip of seven Thai coins of different denominations which I cannot understand.  I thought it was a very gracious gesture towards us as I didn’t see him give these to any of the other passengers. 

Upon arriving back at the ship, we had plenty of time before she left at 7:30, to wander through the dozens of stalls that were gathered at the pier.  Lots of clothing, little purses, magnets, etc.  I know I get a little nuts when I see the packages of 10 zippered purses for about $3.00.  I start thinking, “Oh, my God, look at the prices!” and then I have to talk myself down and say, “So, what are you going to do with these 10 coin purses?”  Still vibrating from the incredibly inexpensive items, I walked away.  We did buy two little magnets, each for $1.00.  Michael wanted to look at belts – he’s always looking for money belts but has not found one yet on our cruise – and while at that stand, he saw the exact same wallet I looked at in the fancy place.  He carefully inspected it, it was embossed with “genuine stingray,” had beautiful stitching and contained in a box that has seen better days.  No doubt this wallet was around for a while and the vendor was very happy to sell it.  We asked, “How much in US?” and he said, $25.00.  Not believing my ears, I offered $20.00 and he said, “Ok.”  I very happily handed him a twenty-dollar bill and thought that it was the greatest find on our cruise.

I could say I had a death-defying day, having had a nearly one-ton elephant tap on my back with her foot, but I think it would be an exaggeration.  I can’t imagine that Princess would allow this activity on one of its excursions had there been any real danger of death.  I would rather say I had an incredibly hilarious, fun-packed, once-in-a-lifetime experience on our visit to Phuket, one which, hopefully, like an elephant, I will not forget! 

MICHAEL’S OBSERVATIONS:  Considering that most of the countries we are visiting are near or around the Equator, I found the weather to be very pleasant in Phuket.  I was wearing long pants, being told that riding an elephant can be a scratchy experience but I would’ve preferred to be in short; yet, I didn’t find the heat oppressive.

I did have great concern when my lovely wife, Leona, jumped up and volunteered for the elephant massage.  My mind immediately went to thoughts of having to start dating again – thoughts that would be the equivalent of a nightmare.  I can’t imagine dating at my age.  Luckily, she enjoyed the “massage” so much that I could only smile when she returned, beaming, from her once-in-a-lifetime experience. 

Clearly, these animals are well cared for;  in fact, they have their own swimming pool which they utilize after they’ve given the tourists a number of rides.  As we walked to the other side of the compound, I could see one of the trainers in the pool with his elephant, washing him down, as the elephant happily took water in his trunk and sprayed it around.  Clearly, these animals enjoy a very good life. 

As Leona has mentioned above, when a tour includes shopping, it’s not always the kind of shopping we think of or are looking forward to.  The jewelry in this shop was set up in a way similar to the big IKEA stores because you have to maneuver through a maze of display cases in order to find the exit.  The jewelry was pretty uninteresting and the stuff you’d find on the Home Shopping Network.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve spent the last twenty years studying gemology and found the prices to be incredibly high considering the quality.  Luckily, we’re not very impulsive so we didn’t buy anything there.  The little vendors that were by the ship provided the best value for the money and the stingray wallet that Leona bought was definitely the deal of the century.  Besides gemstones, I have purchased a lot of exotic skin belts over the years; at the very least, through eBay, the wallet Leona bought would’ve cost $55-85.00.  My wife knows how to bargain and I’m very glad to report I am not a widower.